I Am Sorry

I haven't posted in...okay since Saturday but I still feel bad about it, I'll put out a new post tomorrow I promise. Hmmmm, or I have a better idea. I will try to explain why I haven't written a post and maybe it will turn out funny. I won't be hurt if you do not read on.

Seriously, go ahead and don't read this part.

God! I'm serious, this will be weird and probably incredibly random, there may be multiple references to things you have never heard of (like Hyperbole and A Half) or have forgotten about years ago (Nick Arcade).

Are you seriously still reading this shit? Wow, well I guess that's a stupid question since anyone I am writing to is obviously still reading or they wouldn't know I'm saying this. Actually I got the idea for this section from a book I had as a kid. It was a Kenan and Kel themed book entitled Kel Got Game(I hated the grammar of that title even when i was little, i always wondered is there a reason he's got and doesn't have game? is there something that I don't understand or is my 5 year old brain more powerful than theirs') and near the beginning was written,

" 'If no one was reading this right now, would we still be here?'

'I don't know, Kel. THat is actually a very good question. Let's find out.'

'But, Kenan. How do you find out? I mean, what if we disappear and never come back?'

'Hey you! Yeah, that's right, you readidng the book right now. Don't look around, of course I'm talking to you. How many people are reading this right now?'

'Kenan, it's okay really. We don't--'

'Kel, don't be so rude. Can't you see I'm talking to that reader right now? Sorry for the interruption, reader. Now listen, we need you to do us a favor. Kind of an experiment. We need you to shut this book and then open it back up. That way we can see whether or not we are still here when no one is still reading. So go ahead close the book, now... I said close the book. Look, buddy, we're not going on with the rest of the story until you cooperate. So if you ever want to get past this Open, you'd better close that book right now. I mean it...I'm not kidding...I'm---Oh, that's better.'"

Wasn't that interesting, well essentially, it's a dramatic tool usable by breaking the fourth wall in an unrealistic sort of way as if the author or characters in a book, television show or movie can predict your responses and act in a way to reflect the expected. This sort of an effect is also represented in...you don't care, do you. If you want to know more about this email me or message me onFacebook about it, otherwise I'm moving on.

Sorry about that, i honestly have no idea why I thought it was necessary to search for a book I enjoyed as a child and copy down a page and a half of the large font so you could read it to understand somethiong I did that probably would have been funnier if I hadn't and this is a really long sentence, I'm sure it's horrible grammar and should have ended ages ago but what's the fun of ramblin g if the grammar is correct and now I'm starting to think that there was a point to this post...-Richard scrolls up to read top- oh shit. I'm sorry about that. I was supposed to be explaining why I have not written a blog post.

Well, I could give some bull about being too busy to do so(which i was, I worked Friday, Saturday, and Sunday) but in all honesty I was just too ADD to do it this weekend...or today even as you can tell. I was like, hey, some people read this so I should probably update it -goes online and goes to You Tube and sets up a queue so I can write some hopefully funny shit that will make you wait eagerly for another post in the near future and then realizes I don't know the lead singer of Florence and The Machine's name...it was Florence by the way, who could've guessed? Obviously not me. You people who thought I was oh so smart in high school. TAKE THAT! I'M NOT SO SMART! and then I would notice that my dog looks really adorable and I should play with him and it takes like half an hour to convince him to play with me...What the hell? He was trying to get me to play with him not an hour ago and now he's being stubborn. Stupid little annoying adorable cute scruffy awesome dog...where was I going with this? I have no idea anymore...I really should be trying to actually write instead of just aimlessly rambling on these things...and then I look and see the blog page open and think screw it I want doritos-

That is what I am fighting with on a day to day basis, a good day in fact. On a bad day I cannot keep a train of thought longer than about three seconds. It's really rather bothersome...once I snap out of it and realize what is happening.

I should probably start taking my attention deficit disorder medication again but I found out it actually gave me nerve damage. NERVE DAMAGE. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? I CANNOT PAY ATTENTION TO SCHOOL SO MY DOCTOR GIVES ME THIS AND NOW I AM UNABLE TO STEADY MY HANDS EVER AGAIN?!?!?!?

Sigh, it actually goes in and out, there was actually a two day period, and I'm glad my parents were out of town but my hands were shaking so hard that I couldn't hold a glass of water. I actually cried to tell the truth. I thought I had like, early onset Parkinsons Disease or something. It was like, the worst two days of my life. After thirty minutes of trying to dial a phone for help(second day) from my best friend's parents I gave up and just stuck my head under the tap in the sink so I could ddrink something. I was just so thirsty, it had been like, a day and a half and I needed something to drink. I didn't care about food, i just wanted to know more about Parkinsons or other...shaking disorcers and wanted to know if I was dying and wished that I had set up my phone for voice recognition... I went off on a tangent again...

Sorry about that, I keep doing that to you, you know what, If you have read this far you are probably laughing your asses off at how random this is so I'm not apologizing again for this randomness. In fact, this post is rather long. Hmmm, this is random but I think it's awesome so I will show you...



That is a dog bed made of three blankets, a sheet, four pillows, a dog bed, and a fluffy Harry Potter blanket I gave to my dog to sleep either on or under depending on the weather. Although when it's even slightly cold my dog gets up and walks over to me(as he sleeps on a bed...that is on my bed) and scratches at me until I open up the blanket and let him in and then he gets as close as possible to me and then pushes with all his might to actually push himself into me. It would probably be funny if he were not so annoying as it is five in the morning gah

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I think I have made my point as to why ADD has kept me from posting.

A Miracle

A miracle has just occurred. I was looking for the holder for my mini sd card which my phone uses to hold pictures. This holder is in a paper box that I do not us for anything else. When I went for the box something amazing happened and my belief in good in the world has been restored completely.

As I opened the box, in all honesty I just hoped that the piece would actually be there but I never expected to find two other objects along with it. I noticed the red and purple shapes and my eyes began to glow like a child's on Christmas morning. They were Starburst, the world's most delicious candy. And more than that, one of them was the most wonderful of the flavors, red. Oh red Starburst how I love thee with all my heart and soul. I would kill for more of you. I would enjoy eating more of you.

I swept my hand into the box and carefully picked each up individually in an overly careful manner, just hoping that they were real and not a figment of my imagination. Even as I touched their smooth wrappers i was not completely sure so i sniffed and then laid them upon my dresser and looked at them from their own level. They seemed to truly be real.



I found myself immediately overcome with more joy than I had felt in days. I whisked them both up and hopped onto my bed and slowly unwrapped the purple one taking a quick whiff of the candy. Oh purple, though thou art not as great as thine brethren, Red The Magnificent, thou art quite wondrous thineself. Gently popping it into my mouth I allowed it to slowly soften before i bit down. Like in the past the Starburst seemed to bring forth an even more wonderful flavor once it was broken apart and mixed with saliva.

The firstt candy was quickly gone after this point and before sorrow could set in at my small moment of joy soon past, I remembered that I had a red one sitting on my chest. Unable to give it the attention it deserved for I was truly a beast of desire at that point. I was truly a cold and merciless predator to the red unlike a connoisseur with the purple. I grabbed it quickly and tore off the wrapping with both claws hands. Shoving it into my mouth like the cold and ruthless killer I had become, I became overjoyed at the joy my prey's flesh and meat gave me.

I now feel my hunger growing, the two did not satiate my need, rather the opposite. The two small candies have fueled a horrible desire. I want more. I need more. I shall stop at nothing to get more Starburst. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but soon I shall be satiated. I promise you loyal readers, I shall come back from that hunt succesfully.

I Have Arisen To a New Level of Being

So, if the title didn't tell you, I am officially a god now. There is no other way to explain my amazing epicness... of awesomeness...and a little more epicness. I demand human sacrifice(Justin Bieber and be quick about it) and will require priestesses. These priestesses should be beautiful and incredibly awesome, i think they should be able to sing or dance or play an instrument but I'll get back to you on that.

My day of worship shall be Friday for that is when The feat that elevated me to the level of godhood took place. Let all remember that their god became such on Friday, October eighth, 2010. This shall be my holiest day and you shall be my chief disciples and missionaries. You must attract many followers to hear me speak and read my work for my blog is made up of the thoughts of the divine.

Now you may be wondering what this amazing feat, this trial of excellency and power was. This grand deed was no less wondrous than that of any god who came before me. Let it be known from this day that I am a god because on a whim, I was able to tear a phone book in half. Before you faint from fear you must remember that you are my disciples and I shall not exercise my wrath upon you. But there will be wrath, I'm coming for you John Travolta, I now have the market cornered on nonsensical religions.

ps. The previous post may be considered incredibly blasphemous and should not have been read by followers of other(real) religions

pps. I do not apologize for this post

ppps. I doubt you believe my amazing feat but I have pictures of the phone book after i ripped it. In half. Don't be afraid if witnessing the end result of this feat makes you want to have sex with me, that is natural.





pppps.I probably shouldn't mention readers probably wanting to have sex with me as I doubt any of my readers as of now would and I know for sure I would not. No offense. Seriously, for guys err no, for girls I've known both of you much too long for that thought to ever come into my head.

I Think I May Love Dogs Too Much

A few days ago, I was hanging out with this girl I like. We had spent the whole day together and were having a really interesting conversation. It was amazing, I was totally absorbed into said conversation and I was having a great time. Someone with a black lab comes walking past the bench that she and I are sitting on and I find myself immediately broken out of the little world I'm sharing with my friend. I immediately blurt out, "Is the wittot dawgie niiiiiice?"

The girl holding the dog smiles down at me on the bench, nodding she says nicely, "Yah, he is..." At this point I completely stopped hearing what she said though I'm almost completely sure noise continued to come out of her mouth. This noise obviously did not matter as I had heard what I wanted to and the little voice in my head began to laugh maniacally at the thought of attack hugging this dog.

I rush off the bench and blitz the black lab. Wrapping my arms around and petting the dog while near squealing baby talk at him. Th weird thing is I won't use baby talk with babies. Just dogs. They are much more special and worth looking like a retard in front of a girl I like. It's true. To me dogs are awesome enough.

So, I realize after about two minutes that I have A) interrupted this girl's walk, B) near attacked her dog, C) made a fool of myself and D) am looking increasingly foolish by the second. In response to this rushing feeling of self conscious stupidity I removed my arms from the dog's neck and looked at the girl with a guilty look on my face and said, "Ummm...Thanks..." I sit back on the bench next to her and look at her apologetically and then laugh quietly.

The dog then walked over to her and nudged her knee with its nose, she wouldn't even look at him. MEAN.

Oh My God

So, I just made a realization, though I've written three entries since that point, I have actual people reading this. You five are absolutely amazing. It has begun and we shall take over the world together. I will need a general, a spokesperson(or is that me?), a head of espionage unit, and someone to go get pizza for the people working our campaign. I will find jobs for the rest of you and there will always be positions open. Especially for hot girls. See, a bad joke. Awesome... not really?

Review of Looking For Alaska Part 2

Have you finished reading it? No? Turn off the computer and don't come back until you are done. You are done now? Good. Now, the book was absolutely amazing, it made me cry...multiple times. This if you know me isn't exactly easy as I bottle up my emotions better than a southerner making moonshine.

Review of Looking For Alaska

You should read it, right now in fact. If you have not, go read it right now.

Dramatic Attempt

Reading through article after article of Hyperbole and A Half I am starting to feel like this attempt is stupid and childish. I will never be successful at this and since I've tried twice already I may end up quitting because of how embarrassed I feel at people reading what I write.

In truth I tried this again as a way of stress relief as I feel like I'm losing more and more control of my life and even worse, my sanity and emotional stability. Honestly, I'm a wreck most of the time. Absolutely broken, people wonder at why I never hang out with them, its because I physically cannot force myself to leave my house to see people who call me friends because they absolutely must be lying to me because saying they hate me would be more awkward and less fun than messing with me making me trust them with years of work and then tearing me apart on the inside and leaving me half dead all because I decided to open up to them.

I'm tired of feeling like this broken toy that I am, and I'm trying to take steps to live in the real world but I'm not sure it will ever work. If you've ever read Steppenwolf by Hermann Hesse then you may have an insight into my head. Stranger In A Strange Land by 30 Seconds To Mars works too. I don't know why I'm wasting my time here anyways, I'll never have followers on even the three digit range. I'm not a good enough writer, I'm not creative, I'm not funny and I'm not worth reading about. And one more thing I'm not, I'm not looking for sympathy here, just a release.

Like maybe now a few people that I wouldn't have dreamed of telling know a little more about how I'm doing when I say I'm fine. I'm closer to suicidal than fine most of the time. The only reason I'm not is because I know how irrationally sad people are with death and I wouldn't want to be an inconvenience or a stressor or a disappointment by taking my own life.

There you go people, my dramatic attempt. Did you like it?

Blog Style

As I have mentioned before, as of now I do not really know what kind of blog this will be. I don't know if it will end up funny(or at least an attempt at) or serious, whether like a diary or like an article, whether explanatory or review, but I feel like maybe the best way is just to try everything out. So here it goes, prepare for this to get incredibly erratic you five followers, well four since one of you is just two accounts for one person which I find funny. Thanks for boosting my followers by the way bud.

Paranoid

For the past few years someone has been following me around a lot. It is starting to scare me a bit and I don't know whether to call the police about him. Is it stalking if you are being constantly followed by a dog?

Apology

I am so sorry imaginary readers, I am being so mean to you already. When nonexistant imaginary readers are the only ones reading this i should be nice to them. Well, I whole heartedly apologize for what I said, you don't have to say anything, though it would be nice if you told some real people about this blog.

A Horrible Ending To An Awesome Day

So, if the title wasn't obvious enough, this post is about earlier today, when weather wanted to smack me in the face. Well I'd spent an amazing day with a girl(I won't tell you who, I don't even know you mr. and mrs. imaginary readers(plus I doubt you know her))and everything was going well.

I had just left her house when I noticed the air had gotten extremely calm and the sky had gone dark with storm clouds and I'm just thinking about how amazing it seemed. Well...You know what, I won't make a habit of this imaginary readers...or I might, but I will leave off there as I am incredibly tired and have an early class that I have to take a bus to in the morning.

I have a driving test on November first though. Don't ask why I'm just now going for my first driving test when I am 19 years old. Done with high school, with a job and in college, I should have one already. I really hahve no excuse other than that my parents Wouldn't let me.

I even have a car, my grandpa gave me his 1999 mustang when I hit 16. That was such a tease for the last 3 years. Well no more for I shall have a license soon and then I'll be able to take over the world...or maybe just be able to drive places. Though I am planning on taking over the world but that is still in the planning stages.

You should consult with my dog if you want to know more about the taking over the world thing. He is a wire haired and Jack Russell terrier mix. Here is a picture of him sitting at my computer.

I know the picture is not that good but you should be proud of me for getting just that, h did not want to pose for that picture in the slightest. For some reason Boingo did not think it would be funny or ironic. I promise he is a smart doggie. He is also soft and cuddly.

Did I mention I have ADD? Yeah, in my first real post, well, now I really am done. I promise.

I may have lied, I don't feel like finishing blogging yet, this may suck but I am enjoying myself at least and that's all that matters...right? RIGHT??? Why won't you answer me? Don't pull the silent treatment on me. I know that nobody is reading this but that doesn't mean that you have to be rude about it...Now I'm mad at you people who aren't reading my blog. I'll go to sleep angry and depressed because you wouldn't respond...I really need a life...

Title of Blog

I just realized that some of you will not realize what the title of my blog means so I'll tell you it means insanity. Nothing is wrong with the head but the mind is broken. I chose this because if I ever get readers(which would be very nice though I don't know why they would want to read it) I want them to know right off the bat that I'm a bit crazy and therefore this blog will be weird. Hmmm, I think I'll post a story next. It will have badly drawn pictures, you should totally check it out.

Hmmm

I have not as of yet decided what kind of blog this will be, whether I will talk about my thoughts or what happens to me, I'm really not all that sure. I don't even know how often I'll update it. Though as of now I've posted a few and am planning on a bunch more tonight so things look bright and shiny for the future. Yes, shiny, don't question it. I'm weird like that imaginary readers.

Dear Imaginary Readers

If you ever become unimaginary I will stop referring to you as such, in fact, if you are a small number of people in the beginning I may refer to you by name in my blog. Wouldn't that be pretty cool? I think so. So maybe you can become real because I would actually like someone to read this...maybe it would help if I told some friends I was writing this so...somebody would know...I should probably write a few more posts first though. Maybe I'll post something about it on a bulletin on campus even...that sounds like a good idea...self...

Kids Are Evil

Well at least most of the ones I've met anyways, kudos to those of you who eventually read this and have awesome kids, I thank you for making the world a bit better but I have digressed. Did I mention I have a bit of attention deficit disorder? Of course not because This is my first post, good job Richard, you already make no sense.

Back to my point, kids are evil. What happened? I miss the good old days when parents were allowed to hit their kids or yell at them and stuff, how is it that things have changed so much in my amazingly long 19 years of life hmmm? Well, I recently quit playing an online role playing game because i was getting yelled at by a kid on a daily basis at that point, really kid? You think I care?

And this goes to all kids, don't talk to strangers isn't just for your benefit, I'm tired of having to deal with you. I work at a pizza place and its the most annoying thing in the world, worse than someone who barely speaks english, when a parent has a kid call in their order because its "cute." It is not, they don't enunciate, don't know the order, and don't know how to pay. You've made more work for everyone since they have to constantly relay what I've said to them to you so that you can tell them what to say. Enriching experience or not, DON'T DO IT. We are busy enough.

Thank you for reading this, I promise I won't always be this ranty but I am in a bad mood at the moment, I'll make the next post nicer imaginary readers.

Third time's the charm...right?

Hey there people who aren't reading my blog, My name's Richard and...you don't care wooooo. But you will if you think im funny so I'll be quick and then start. I am doing this because hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com has rekindled my desire to write a blog. I've tried twice now and ended up being incredibly self conscious and stopping but not this time for I shall succeed...hopefully, please bear with me nonexistant readers. Please...please?

ps. this isn't really my first entry, just a prologue of sorts. thanks for reading imaginary people :D