Go To Hell Richard

That's what I swear the part of me that makes a choice must be telling myself every time I make a decision. I don't know what to do. What happens when you have had no trust in your fellow man for years and you start to lose trust in yourself? You lie again, lie to yourself and become what you wish you were. I wish it were that easy though, but it isn't. Just like getting in shape, changing your thought process is incredibly difficult.

What has led me to thinking about this I doubt you will ask? Well, making the same stupid mistakes over and over I would answer to your unasked question. Choosing the same horrible path again and again. I hate myself. Not in an emo way but in a completely thought out and heavily detailed account, I hate myself. I am a thick headed jerk. I plan nothing out and just see where the wind will take me. I don't care to try any harder to protect myself, not because I'm a masochist but because I don't care anymore.

I wish I did, I really do, but its not easy to stop being this thick and I don't think I'm making any headway. I thought I was...but I am the technical definition of insane. Doing the same thing multiple times expecting a different result.

I'd like to change the subject to a little bit of a lighter note. The end of the year and beginning of a new. Well, in retrospect this year was both amazing and horrid, I got closer to love than ever before, I found new friendship in old friends, I found a new desire for acceptance and got a little bit of it in a wide variety of people. Then again I found myself shattered multiple times, learned trust is worthless in most cases, and that love is evol.

I hope this next year is, at the very least, a little less interesting, a little more pleasant, and a little less heartbreaking but hey, I'm not even entitled to waking up tomorrow. It's not cynicism, its the truth. If you died tonight would you be happy knowing your life ended as it did? I wish I could say I would be happy, but no. I would not. If I had to grade my behavior this year it would be a D+. Not even "average." I hope you did better than me, and I hope your next year is better than this one even if it was great. Because while nobody "deserves" anything, it would be great if my loved ones had better than they can dream of.

SQUEAK

okay, i swear to god(or whoever it is you believe in(this can include the pink invisible unicorn or flying spaghetti monster...or Maddy if you would like) that I am not forgetting about my blog. My life is just a little stressful at the moment and I'm working on other stuff. I promise you will get an epic post later today. You will also be getting the first few pages of a book I'm working on...it's fiction, not me rambling and hoping that someone out there is entertained...or at least laughing at ,my stupidity, I will take the laughs where I can get them.

So yeah, I really am sorry it's been...a full week...dang, I really have been slacking on this thing. I have been working on school and I have had a lot more hours at work than usual(like double the normal), and then when I'm done with those all I've been wanting to do is Watch Natalie Tran's youtube videos(http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=communitychannel#g/u) and kill things in Fallout 3 or Fable 3...that is a coincidence I swear...

So, in the past five days I have found that I really need to keep my mouth shut. Seriously, there is nothing worse than just talking to a friend about something and saying something you thought would be harmless(or helpful even) and having it backfire on everyone involved. Seriously, I think I should only exist in blog form from now on... hmmmm,, I probably can't cause any harm from here can I? Seriously, five days, four situations that have caused some hell to reign supreme in the lives of some people I know and my own. Hmph. Do you think I can remove my own voicebox?

On a better note, my hair is getting somewhat close to the length I want it...wow...I have no idea why I thought that was blogworthy...

This Is...New

I am in a good mood today. If you know me you know this is...not a usual affair. Although stressed by school, just ended two relationships recently, am concerned by my lack of human contact, am going near crazy, and more stuff that is like being bitch-smacked by the sisters of fate. Why am I so happy you may ask? No... nobody? okay then... hmmm... I wonder if I should just end this post here... I'll bet it would be amusing if I went through with ending because I'll bet nobody cares why I am happy...

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Meh, I shall continue because I am bored and work is in a few hours and blogging is actually entertaining. Okay, so last night was pretty awesome...despite the fact that I was near beating my head against a wall working on a paper most of the day... But I actually found new life in an old friendship that's been slowly fading away. I never have that happen, generally when a friendship isn't going well either I or the other person would just drop it and leave, but we have worked at this for a long time now and we found some new common ground. I absolutely loved that.

Is that all? No mystery announcer, look behind door number two. I have finally decided after a form of spiritual and mental suicide last night or this morning...I'm not sure which but I woke up not caring about life whatsoever. I realized I have been slacking because nothing actually mattered to me anymore. "Life sucks and then you die," My junior year math teacher, Mr. Denino, always told us. Well you were right you balding, fatty, evil, little man. Life does suck. And then you do actually die after a mild to severe amount of that suffering.

Well guess what, I realized how stupid I've been focusing on the pain, carrying around every grievance and allowing it to drive me crazy. I am going to be happy from now on. I don't care if it kills me. No more depression, chaos, undecidedness, anger, foolhardiness, uncaring, loss of interest, or crazy chicks for Richard anymore. Nosiree... I know the last one was random but I feel it was important...for some reason I love crazy evil chicks... doesn't turn out well.

In the words of Dr. Horrible, "It's a brand new day and the sun is high all the birds are singing th..." okay maybe its not the best quote... but the point is that it is a brand new day and things are going to be better. I am going to be more awesome...and keep up with this blog more regularly...I'll edit it too... okay maybe not...

Whether you are one of the ten people who might be reading this within a few hours or days, or you are some future subscribor years from now, I just want you to know something. No matter how bad you think life is. Your own head is probably making it worse. The world does have beauty and hope, you just need to shrug all that weight off of your back, let the old pain and guilt melt away. You can be happy. It may not be easy but it is possible.

I'm not saying this is instantaneous but its a step.

And on the point of steps, I am now going to dance to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZR20t0Uu2M


ps. if someone could tell me how to work advanced hyperlink stuff on this site that would be super

Epic Fail

Okay, what did I do with that last post? I was writing that with the main point ending up as something only mentioned very briefly, it was supposed to have been at the point that I seriously need a girlfriend. Seriously, I may generally hate people but I am definitely at my best by far when in a relationship. Otherwise I'm crazier, less emotionally stable, and have much more energy than I have any idea what to do with. In short, I'm single and so not enjoying it.

If You Haven't Noticed

Okay, if you cannot tell I'm trying to make up for my lack of blogging with an obscene number of posts in a short period of time. Overcompensation is my way of apology.

Okay, on a point that actually matters...to me at least. I freaking need a girlfriend. I am incredibly bored and lonely, like all the time. Video Games, not a suitable substitute. I had nearly kicked the habit of video games but nooooo, I broke up with someone a while ago and since then I've been playing them again. Damn, before that I was readinbg a.lot and that was awesome but now I'm back to video games?

Along with this, I've become near addicted to blogs. In fact, I'm quite enjoying the blog of my aforementioned unknown follower, cookie. You should all check out her blog. It is amazing. Actually no, you shouldn't for one reason, it is a good deal better than mine. In fact mine really sucks...

O.o

Okay, I have no idea why I thought that that last post was anywhere near a good idea...that's probably the stupidest and least funny thing I've done on here. NO MORE LISTS

List 1

Random things I do that I will never be able to explain:

1. Sit on my bathroom counter when home alone
2. Punish myself with music I hate (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3lWbPEOJp0, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ccbj0A6NJI)
   
3. Eat sugary stuff even though I know I will end up feeling nauseous and with a headache
   
4. Straighten my hair even though I know it looks absolutely fine(and pretty damned straight) without it
5. Watch Code Monkeys(enough said)
6. Watch chick flicks(I'll admit it, I enjoy many of them. I cannot explain why and it bugs me horribly that I do but my favorite movie is a chick flick even. Memoirs of A Geisha)
7. Wear a bunch of jewelry(6 at the moment)
8. Sing(my singing voice is probably going to land me in hell)
9. Talk to people I hate
10. Talk to people I like