That's what I swear the part of me that makes a choice must be telling myself every time I make a decision. I don't know what to do. What happens when you have had no trust in your fellow man for years and you start to lose trust in yourself? You lie again, lie to yourself and become what you wish you were. I wish it were that easy though, but it isn't. Just like getting in shape, changing your thought process is incredibly difficult.
What has led me to thinking about this I doubt you will ask? Well, making the same stupid mistakes over and over I would answer to your unasked question. Choosing the same horrible path again and again. I hate myself. Not in an emo way but in a completely thought out and heavily detailed account, I hate myself. I am a thick headed jerk. I plan nothing out and just see where the wind will take me. I don't care to try any harder to protect myself, not because I'm a masochist but because I don't care anymore.
I wish I did, I really do, but its not easy to stop being this thick and I don't think I'm making any headway. I thought I was...but I am the technical definition of insane. Doing the same thing multiple times expecting a different result.
I'd like to change the subject to a little bit of a lighter note. The end of the year and beginning of a new. Well, in retrospect this year was both amazing and horrid, I got closer to love than ever before, I found new friendship in old friends, I found a new desire for acceptance and got a little bit of it in a wide variety of people. Then again I found myself shattered multiple times, learned trust is worthless in most cases, and that love is evol.
I hope this next year is, at the very least, a little less interesting, a little more pleasant, and a little less heartbreaking but hey, I'm not even entitled to waking up tomorrow. It's not cynicism, its the truth. If you died tonight would you be happy knowing your life ended as it did? I wish I could say I would be happy, but no. I would not. If I had to grade my behavior this year it would be a D+. Not even "average." I hope you did better than me, and I hope your next year is better than this one even if it was great. Because while nobody "deserves" anything, it would be great if my loved ones had better than they can dream of.
